Hvordan tenker man på ingenting?

Hvordan tenker man på ingenting?

Så har jeg fått det endelig dokumentert: At hjerneaktiviteten min er umulig å skru av på dagtid!

Bekreftelsen fikk jeg da jeg var innom Inspiria med ungene, som utfordret meg på ”Mindball” – et spill hvor motstanderne måler hjerneaktivitet ved hjelp av et pannebånd med tre elektroder. På bordet er en ball som ruller bort fra den som måler lavest hjerneaktivitet. Her gjelder det med andre ord å slappe av og tenke på ingenting for å vinne!

 

Hvordan tenker man på ingenting? Jeg gjorde et forsøk, men det var nyttesløs. Kula satte seg raskt i bevegelse mot meg, og jeg tapte gang etter gang for dem begge.

”Jeg tenker på en svart vegg”, forklarte min yngste datter, og jeg ba om en aller siste kamp – en superfinale. Tenk på en svart vegg, tenkte jeg og lukket øynene. Tre sekunder senere hadde jeg tapt.

Igjen.

 

 

Merkelige opplevelser

Nå er det vel ikke farlig å ikke klare å ikke tenke på noe, at det surrer og går jevnt og trutt over snippen – og at tilstedeværelsen kan være litt flyktig.

Men det skal innrømmes at det fører til de merkeligste situasjoner.

En ting er at jeg kan pante fem poser med flasker på Nordby Shoppingsenter mens jeg lar tankene vandre – og gå videre derfra uten å trykke på knappen for kvitteringen, og ikke komme på det før kona står i kassa og skal betale og etterspør kvitteringen. Da jeg haster tilbake må jeg selvsagt bare registrere at noen andre vært der og tatt med seg pantelappen.

Verre var det da jeg hentet kona på jobb i bilen for et par uker siden, og hun lurte på hva jeg hadde hengende fra kragen på utejakka. Jeg hadde riktignok sett en antydning til noe grønt i synsfeltet, uten at jeg reflekterte noe mer over det.

Det grønne, viste seg å være en sokk som hadde festet seg i borrelåsen på jakka, som jeg uvitende hadde gått rundt med hele formiddagen.

 

 

Giga-underbukse

Men det verste, er da jeg deltok på old boys-turneringen på Tunebanen nylig. Før jeg dro hjemmefra om morgenen, hadde jeg som alltid dårlig tid og pakket bagen i full fart. Treningstøy, fotballstøvler, øyelinser, håndkle – og en truse. Sistnevnte lå sammenbrettet i hylla i skapet og havnet kjapt i bagen innen jeg hastet ut.

Så langt, alt vel.

Nå er en old boys-turnering i seg selv naturstridig, at utrente gamlinger med alle sine skavanker plutselig skal spille fem, seks kamper fortløpende.

Men vi kom oss gjennom på et vis, og etterhvert tuslet jeg inn i garderoben – som vi delte med tre andre lag. Vi var heldigvis utslått før sluttspillet tok til og jeg gledet meg til en varm dusj og hvile.

Mens de andre lagene ventet på videre spill, satt de fullt påkledde på krakkene i den samme garderoben og diskuterte. Anslagsvis i et antall av 30-35 stk. Det var med andre ord trangt!

Etter dusj og tørk, trengte jeg meg igjen mellom to spillere, satte meg ned og hentet opp underbuksa i bagen. Jeg trædde beina i, og reiste meg opp for å kunne trekke den helt opp.

Nå trives jeg i utgangspunktet ikke i slike situasjoner, som et hårete blikkfang i netto med 60 øyne rettet mot meg.

Men det skulle bli verre!

For da oppdaget jeg til min forskrekkelse at den svarte underbuksa var enormt svær i omfang.

Altså ikke bare stor, men enorm!

 

 

Pinlig stillhet

Jeg hørte det ble helt tyst i garderoben et sekund eller to – i hvert fall var det slik jeg følte det. Og jeg turte ikke løfte blikket for å se om noen så.

Jeg satte meg kjapt ned igjen og forsøkte klemme alt det overflødige tøyet sammen rundt beina med hendene mens jeg sakte dro buksa opp til livet.

Men for å få tak i skjorta som hang på knaggen over meg, måtte jeg løfte meg opp fra krakken samtidig som jeg måtte holde på trusa for at den ikke skulle skli av.

Og jeg følte det ble stillhet igjen.

Raskt tok jeg på meg skjorte og genser, og omsider fikk jeg langbuksa på.

 

 

Et mysterium

Hvor denne underbuksa kom fra, har jeg ingen anelse om. Nå satt jeg riktignok ved siden av Jon-Are Klemsdal, som trolig har noen X-er flere enn meg på tøyet, men han hadde vel protestert om jeg hadde vært i hans bag og rotet.

Og heller ikke han har slike dimensjoner på undertøyet, garantert!

Det viste seg senere at heller ikke min kona kunne forstå hvordan dette digre tøystykket hadde havnet i min trusehylle hjemme i Harebakkveien.

Om noen savner en underbukse av typen XXXXXXXXXL, er det bare å gi beskjed!

 

 

Hemoroideopererte

Jeg må samtidig legge til at etterpålaget i en old boys-turnering er et herlig skue.

 

 

Når gamle kropper plutselig skal være aktive i timevis, inntrer strekker, muskelbrister, kramper og stølhet rimelig kjapt.

Etter et par timers hvile, var spillerne samlet i storstua i Tune-hytta for å se engelsk fotball på storskjerm. Jevnlig måtte vi reise oss og ta oss inn i naborommet for å hente drikke i baren på stive bein og med vonde rygger  – og vi gikk som zombier.

Det liknet på en samling for nylig hemoroideopererte!

Jeg gleder meg allerede til neste års turnering, men lover å ta en ekstra kikk på trusa innen den havner i bagen.

Ha en fin helg!

 

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